I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
