If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
