Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
