I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
