I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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