Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
