i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Pants 0. Shit 1.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
