I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
