Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
