The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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