my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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