Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize