I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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