I cockslap morals
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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