I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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