Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
