So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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