first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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