he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm like, not good at living.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
