Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
