my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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