I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
