Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
home. puking in laundry basket.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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