I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
