It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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