I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize