Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
