she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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