i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
