he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
