somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
