I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm at about main and main street
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
