I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize