you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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