He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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