I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
