i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
