He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
