wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
