I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
