I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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