If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
