Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
In America we eat man semen.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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