tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
