I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
