yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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