I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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