Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
