my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
