just tell him i said nine months
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
