i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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