They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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