mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
