FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
