I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
