White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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