I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
