lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
