Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
