Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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