I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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