That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
