I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
